1. Practice the platinum rule.

“We all know the golden rule: Do unto others as you’d like done unto yourself. But the platinum rule is really where it’s at. Do unto your partner that which they would like done for themselves. Seriously, what are their biggest turn-ons? Commit to doing it at least once each week.”― Megan Fleming, a New York City-based sex therapist and the author of Invisible Divorce: Finding Your Way Back to Connection

2. Don’t compare your sex lives to others.

″‘Rick and Jeff have way more sex than us’ is a big no-no but a really common pitfall that couples fall into. When we begin to compare ourselves to other people, we often find a way to either make ourselves seem better or seem less than. A long-term sexual connection is not about who is doing it the best or who’s having it the most often. Over time, your sexual connection with your partner will change, grow and if you’re open, take you places you never knew you could go. You’ll have moments of extreme highs and pleasurable connectedness, as well as moments of lows, feeling bored and disconnected. Remember: This is normal in a long term sexual relationship.

3. Focus on what turns you on about your partner, not the turn-offs.

“When couples come to me to spice up their sex life, I encourage them to be intentional about when they find their partners attractive or sexually appealing. It’s so easy to dwell on the things that turn us off, but we don’t spend enough time focusing on what turns us on. When I pose the question of when they’re turned on by their S.O., they often have a hard time coming up with more than superficial answers. Sometimes, they can’t come up with anything at all. This is because we live in a ‘what have you done for me lately?’ culture. I encourage them to recall what attracted them to their partner in the first place and try to create interactions that are conducive to replicating those feelings.

4. Have sex at least once a week.

“Studies show that couples who have sex once a week have a higher level of relational satisfaction than couples who have sex less than once a week. Sex also produces a physiological and psychological afterglow that can last for days. And remember, it’s not just how often you have sex, but also how you engage with each other. Different types of sex produce different benefits. 

5. Schedule kid-free date night. (Better yet, pencil in hotel sex dates.)

“So much energy goes into the kids that couples are too exhausted to nurture each other. The best thing you can do for your kids is to show them that you have a connection outside of them, that you are not just together because of them, but because you genuinely enjoy each other. This means going on dates without them. If you don’t have family nearby or extra cash to pay a sitter, offer to watch another couple’s kids one night in exchange for them to watch your kids the following weekend. Once a year, splurge on a hotel so you can have hotel sex. The novelty of having sex in a new and unfamiliar place will activate dopamine in your brain. Dopamine is the same neurochemical that is responsible for the rush of pleasure.

6. Have outercourse. (What’s that, you ask? We’ll explain.)

“For most of us, intercourse is often the main entree on the sex menu. Outercourse ― aka oral sex, manual stimulation, and other forms of touch and direct clitoral stimulation ― are put on the backburner. Taking intercourse off the menu is like the equivalent of going vegan and realizing how much other healthy,